Starred review from July 1, 2020
From a young age, Crewes knew that she carried around a secret like a letter she "wasn't allowed to open until the time was right." This memoir is her look back on her personal exploration to find out what that secret was, and release it. With an assured line, Crewes' sweet pencil cartoons show her obsessing over ghost stories and Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a kid, fretting about bullies during less secure preteen years, and navigating relationships in high school. Crewes is candid about coming out, which took a few tries, and about how dating didn't suddenly become easy afterward. Crewes' commitment to telling a not-neat story is the best thing about her great memoir, which she's clear isn't intended as a handbook, but as something that she herself could have used when she was searching. "What's funny for me is that I didn't even know there was a closet?or that I was very much stuck inside it." That special, secret letter appears throughout the book, nestled discretely in frames, keeping readers close. When young adult Ellie looks into a doorframe filled with five of her past selves, readers have gotten to know each one, and will fully appreciate having been let in on the journey.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2020, American Library Association.)
August 3, 2020
Identity isn’t defined by a single moment, as British cartoonist Crewes finds in her chummy comics memoir. As a kid, she loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer—especially the redheaded witch, Willow, who comes out as gay in the fourth season. Yet it took Crewes until late in her university years to connect her childhood fascination and her lukewarm feelings for boys to her own sexuality. (“It was as though someone had handed me a letter that I had to keep very safe, but wasn’t allowed to open until the time was right.”) Crewes’s zine-style narration covers her failed attempts at hetero crushes and Tinder, and when she finally admits the truth of her same-sex attractions to herself, it’s like she has to completely restart the dating game. Crewes draws in graphite pencils, lending her story a charming sketchbook quality. Human figures are soft and noodle-armed, recalling both Noelle Stevenson’s Nimona and Tumblr diary comics. Crewes’s gentle identity reveal is met with support and love from family members and friends; if the narrative lacks drama, it evokes the wish that every queer young person could find such ready acceptance. This sweet coming-out tale could help any reader unsure of how to read their own buried clues. (Oct.) Agent: Anna Power, Johnson & Alcock.
August 15, 2020
A London-based illustrator's graphic memoir of embracing her sexual orientation. "Growing up," writes Crewes, "I felt like I had a secret deep inside of me." As an adolescent, she "liked Goths, rock music, and anything spooky," and she became "obsessed" with Willow, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer character who later came out as gay. In secondary school, the author began to feel the pressure to assimilate. Like the girls she eventually befriended, Crewes paired off with boys, especially those with whom she shared common interests such as anime and manga. By the time she was 16 and in a "real relationship," Crewes felt emotionally and physically unable to have sex with her boyfriend. After they broke up, the author decided that it was time to "reinvent myself." She began a diet and exercise regimen to make herself "cooler." Only much later did she realize her efforts served as a "subconscious way to redirect myself from the fact that I was gay." She made her first attempt at coming out during her first year of university only to return to "heteronormativity" the next day. Two years later she came out "another four times," all while navigating a messy path through heterosexual relationships and counseling for mysterious panic attacks. " 'Coming out' is frequently described as a definitive and singular thing," she writes. "But it didn't happen like that for me." When Crewes definitively came out, "I felt like I'd been washed clean." Yet as she discovered, the journey of learning about queer culture and finding a fulfilling relationship had only begun. Crewes presents a spare primary narrative that she fleshes out using comic book-style line drawings to illustrate characters and episodes. The end result is a charming, accessible story about self-acceptance that everyone--especially people struggling with their sexuality--can enjoy. A heartwarming, delightful memoir of self-discovery.
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December 18, 2020
DEBUT Caught in the traction of a permissive heterosexual upbringing, Crewes enjoyed being different for her love of goth, horror, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and she found compatible friends. All along, she assumed she would segue into a future with boys and men in her heart. But her attraction to guys never took root emotionally or physically, even as she became more aware of the queer culture all around at her British art school. Unsure of her own orientation, her coming out as lesbian proceeded in start-stop stages over several years. She did not have to fight her way through family and societal pushback, but rather through her own ideas and expectations. Crewes draws with a graphite pencil in evocative, smooth sweeps, giving the feel of an on-the-scene sketchbook. Originally released as a hand-stitched zine, the memoir was expanded and reworked into this charming, relatable account. VERDICT As Western culture becomes increasingly gay-friendly, Crewes's experience will--fortunately--become more and more typical. The story of her journey will be much appreciated by young people who are curious about themselves and their friends.--Martha Cornog, Philadelphia
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