When a Loved One Has Dementia

June 12, 2023
Journalist Helmink (The Handbook for Bad Days) draws on personal experience to share guidance for navigating a loved one’s cognitive decline in this compassionate outing. At first, Helmink and her family failed to recognize the signs of her mother’s early-onset dementia, which began in her 60s. However, her mother’s condition deteriorated until she was diagnosed; after a “lengthy spell” of home care, she entered an assisted living facility. Helmink writes that it was wrenching to see her once vibrant mother get lost on a family museum trip, or struggle to independently perform day-to-day tasks, but also describes moments of real tenderness amid the disease’s ravages, including her father’s habit of listening to music with her mother when he visits her at the facility. Helmink urges caregivers to practice self-compassion, seek help with caretaking duties, and remember that their feelings and frustrations about the disease are valid, not selfish. She also provides revealing insights into how dementia can destabilize the identity of both sufferer and caretaker: “Are you still somebody’s child when that person no longer identifies as your mother?” she asks. Though Helmink’s stream-of-consciousness style has its drawbacks, including some unnecessary repetitions, she provides a moving meditation on treating loved ones facing dementia with dignity and love. This is a valuable resource.